NICU Mom
When you are a NICU Mom…
- The ring of the telephone makes your heart jump in your throat
- You never stop worrying
- You cry when you get bad news, you cry when you get good news, and you cry when you get no news at all
When you are a NICU Mom…
- You have to wait hours, days, weeks to hold, or even touch your baby
- You don’t get to dress your baby in all those adorable onesies
- Instead, you take vitals, do cares, and stick your hands through holes in a glass box to touch your precious baby
- You carefully move wires, arrange chairs, and sit still for hours with your tiny baby tucked into your sports bra when you are finally allowed skin to skin contact
When you are a NICU Mom…
- You are afraid to touch your own, teeny, tiny baby
- You are afraid to let go of your own teeny, tiny baby
- You are afraid to get too attached to that sweet face who already has your whole heart
- You are afraid your baby isn’t getting attached enough to you, since you can’t be there every minute of every day, and someone else takes care of them too
When you are a NICU Mom
- Your heart is always in two places at the same time
- When you are at the hospital, it’s impossible to leave
- When you are at home, it’s impossible to leave your other children/husband/family members
- Guilt, happiness, sadness, and fear are on constant rotation
- You lose friends because you can’t relate anymore
- You find true friends that stick by you when you are at your worst
When you are a NICU Mom…
- The hallway you must walk to get to your baby seems like it goes on forever
- You need to be buzzed in to see your baby, and you must use a code when you call in to find out how they are doing
- Your hands are so dry and cracked from washing them, no amount of lotion helps
- The smell of hand sanitizer makes you sick
- You know more medical terms and acronyms than you ever wanted to
- You hear those beeps from all the machines even when you’re at home
- The oscillating ventilator is one of the scariest things you’ve ever seen
- Night time and times when you are alone are the worst
When you are a NICU Mom
- You leave the hospital so many times without your baby, when you finally get your discharge orders, you don’t really believe it.
- You feel unprepared to take care of your tiny baby at home, even though you’ve been doing it in the hospital for many days, weeks, months
- You wonder if you can smuggle one of those monitors out or bring one of the nurses home with you
- You are scared of anything and everything that might land you back in the hospital because you don’t think you can do it again
When you are a NICU Mom
- You don’t feel strong, but you are
- You don’t feel capable of making decisions, but you do the best you can
- You don’t think you can make it through, but you will
- You feel alone, but you are not
I’m Still a NICU Mom
It was 4 years ago, that I was in the middle of our NICU experience with our twin boys. Born at 25 weeks, 5 days, they stayed in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit of the hospital for 91 and 93 days. Sometimes, it feels like it happened to another person, but sometimes it feels as though it was just yesterday. I don’t think we ever get over the traumatic pregnancy/birth experience that brought us to that NICU, but with time, it does get easier.
I also don’t think our lives ever go back to the way they were before the NICU. People may not understand, and may want you to just “get over it,” but it’s not that easy. It forever changes the way you feel about everything. You have so many emotions about everything, and it’s frustrating when other people don’t understand. When you are faced with life and death situations every day, how can you not be changed.
To every other NICU Mom or Dad out there, I want you to know that I get it. If you ever feel alone or scared or tired, I’m here. When you hit that wall and don’t think you can take anymore, reach out to me, or to someone else that has gone through it. While not everyone can possible understand, there really are a lot of us out here. We will support you, cry with you, and cheer for you. We are all part of a club that we never knew existed or never wanted to join, but will forever be bound by the experience. Please contact me here at Shann Eva’s Blog, and I will listen, cry, and commiserate with you.
No matter how much time goes by, I will always be a NICU Mom.
This is beautiful and so full of emotions. <3
Aww, that’s so, so hard. It’s not what anyone would choose if they could, but I’m grateful for all the medical care than they can provide preemies with these days! I can understand how it’s an experience that will stay with you forever. Glad your boys are thriving!
I can’t even imagine all that you have gone through. Reading through this brought tears to my eyes. I have had a couple of dear friends walk this road and it is SO hard. Thank you so much for vulnerably sharing your story. I am so confident that it is going to be a blessing to so many people. Thank you for sharing with us today.
Wow, you are so brave for sharing your story!!! And thank you for sharing all of your wisdom that you have learned from your experience.
As a first time expecting mom I am terrified of running into any complications during my pregnancy but we do have friends who ended up in the NICU so I know that if something does happen we have people who can relate and understand what we would be going through. And I know that God only gives you what you can handle and with each experience comes great growth.
xo, Laura
Have Need Want | http://www.have-need-want.com
A good friend of mine had a baby who had a heart defect and needed open heart surgery at just a few weeks old. I went to visit them in the NICU and it was one of the most powerful experiences. I really had no idea how strong and brave these parents are. Kudos to you.
What a great description of something so heart wrenching. I can’t even imagine, but your post takes me right there.
We were lucky and only spent 3-4 days in the NICU. My son swallowed meconium and had it stuck in his lungs. The hardest part for me (after a 30 hour labor and emergency c-section) was not getting to see him for another 8 hours after he was born. I’m hoping that this next delivery goes a little bit better and we can avoid the NICU!
I am not an NICU mum but I have a few friends that are, it was interesting for me to read this post. Sometimes I am not sure what I should and shouldn’t be asking them, I want to be a good friend to them but I truly don’t understand what they went through – my babies got to come home with me.
My daughter was four days late. Everything was fine up until she was delivered, she had the cord wrapped around her neck three times and it too the doctor’s awhile to get her loose. They finally got her loose when she started grunting, not crying at all. The rushed her up to NICU 18 minutes after she was delivered. I didn’t get to see her for 10 hours. 10 long hours. It was the most horrible feeling ever. When they brought me up there, I found out she had a collapsed lung. We spent 5 long days in NICU. I didn’t leave her side once, except the night I got discharged, I went home and cried constantly. I ended up going and staying the rest of the time she was there leaving only to eat and use the restroom. I’m sure the nurses were getting aggravated with me there the whole time, but that’s my little girl.
I went through those same flood of emotions, fears and being terrified of everything. The beeps of all those monitors, sleeping in hospital chairs freezing to death and 120 days in the NICU . On 07/22/2015 my beautiful little micro preemie miracle came into the world weighing 1lb 11oz after an emergancy C-section. My world was turned upside down. The fear was crippling till the point where you realize when you exhale that you have been holding your breath all this time. Nothing makes sense you feel like it is an outer body experience. Or a bad bad dream that you can’t wake up from. You run on fumes and sheer exhaustion. But you can never give up. That is your baby. The life you carried. The person you would give your last breath for. And then it changes and you see growth a smile. A knowing glance. That this tiny little human knows who you are and that you have been here fighting for them since day 1. I speak from a good place my micro preemie is now a healthy happy 11 1/2 month old busy body who has such a love for the life that he and I fought for from 1lb 11oz to 17lbs and 27 inches long. My Miracle Angel Baby. Mr Kingston Anthony Lutz. I love you little man and I thank God you are here growing and thriving and learning every day. And for all NICU families . Never give up our babies need us.
Thank you so much for sharing this and your experience as a NICU mom. I never thought of most of these scenarios, but I’m sure that the fact you are writing makes your story so relatable to women across the US (and world) undergoing something similar. How incredibly terrifying and different each day must be; and I understand completely why you’d want to smuggle one of those beeping machines home with you. So happy to see your kids so grown and healthy now especially after how they got their start in this world.
You are a wonderfully strong and amazing mother.
XOXO
What a great post! I was a NICU mom and the hardest thing was to have to leave her everyday. I had nightmares that I left her or forgot her somewhere. I hated not being with her and would have stayed 24/7 but my family was smart to make sure I went home and took care of myself. The best day was when she finally got to come home! That was over 30 years ago and I am now the proud grandmother to 2 wonderful girls.
Beautifully written Shann! I can’t even imagine having to go what you and your husband went through. I am however, so very happy that your boys are doing well! I love that you share their adventures on your blog. I hope they continue to thrive!
Being a NICU mom sounds so hard on so many different levels. You are amazing!
I currently have a baby in NICU. You have no idea how this post inspired me to keep pushing forward. Our little one was born at 32 +4. She’s doing good, but every day is still hard on me. I never pictured the first weeks of her life would be spent like this. Thanks for your post. I’m glad you can relate and I’m not alone.
You are definitely not alone! It means so much to me that this helped you. If you ever need to talk, I’m here.
This was the most true NICU experience post I have ever read (and I read a lot of them). Thank you for putting this into words.
Thank you so much Arielle. That truly means so much to me.
Thank you for your amazing NICU post ? It’s always to refreshing to know we’re not alone. I am a mommy of a 26 week miracle babe, who will be a healthy and thriving 3 year old in November — life is definitely not what it was before, but I do know we came out stronger because of it all.
Such an emotional experience to read about has a mom. So glad you share.
Thank you for this post. I currently have a baby in NICU and it is getting harder and harder to leave him, especially as the time comes for me to go back to work in a week and I won’t be able to go see like I want/need to.
My cousin sent me the link to this post a couple weeks after I “delivered” my little micro preemie at 23 +4 weeks. It was so powerful and helpful then but I still read it almost every day. If this was a book it would be worn out by now. We are 3 months in and still no end in sight. Thank you for the honesty of this post because it makes me realize I’m not alone during days when I am feeling the loneliest.
You are definitely NOT alone! How is your sweet baby doing? If you need to talk, please feel free to email me at shanneva@yahoo.com
Our youngest was born at 27 wks and she was 3 pds and I remember the nurses saying wow she’s so big and in the back of my mind I would say HMM HELLO I said she was born at 3 pds what’s big about then throughout our 59 NICU stay I learned that indeed she was big which totally blew my mind. Everyday walking into the NICU putting a brave face. Trying to not crazy when the nurses would say go ahead you can take her out and in the back of my mind thinking what if I put her in my shirt and just take her home already lol.. even though I knew she still needed time. I look our girl who is 3 yrs old now and am SO thankful for the nurses and doctors but there is once you are NICU mom you are forever changed that is for sure. Oh those beeps… most haunting sound EVER.
We just had our micro preemie babygirl 3 1/2 months ago. We are still in the NICU it has been over 100 days. We were in the CCN and we were almost out the door when our babygirl caught a cold and now we are back in the NICU. We hope to go home soon. And it seems like I am so unprepared on what to do. Some days I’m ok and some days all its all I can do just to manage a smile. I want to be able to feel like a family but it’s so hard when you have nurses telling you what you can or can’t do with your baby. I know once we do get to go home I’ll prob be crying all the way home.
Thank you so much for reading and sharing Kaila! I hope you get to go home soon and all be a family. Please keep me updated!
Thank you. A million times over, thank you. My son was born April 2016 at 24.5 1lb 14oz 13.5 inches. We had some of the usual bumps and turns, had to wait 6 days to hold him for the first time. Tomorrow is our discharge anniversary, 84 days that changed my life and my soul forever. some ways for the better and some the jury is still out on. I came upon this entry from a Micro Preemie group I follow and am sincerely grateful for your words. I am having a hard time and they really hit home for me this morning. Thank you.
You are so welcome, and thank you so much for reading. I always find it hard around the anniversary dates. Even though it’s been 5 years for me, it sometimes feels like yesterday. If you ever need to talk, please reach out shanneva@yahoo.com
I was a NICU mom for 140 days when my triplets were born 5 years ago at 24 weeks. Every single one of these brought me right back to that place. The NICU is so hard! It is where some of the hardest times of my life happened as well as some of the most beautiful miracles of my life happened.
Yes! I completely agree. Thank you so much for reading, and sharing your experience. I hope your triplets are doing great now.
I was a NICU Mom with my daughter for 50 days and 58 days with one of my twins (deceased). These pictures and post takes me back to those days and all of the feelings. Once you are a NICU Mom you are always a NICU Mom, you relate to each mom that has been in the NICU with their baby. Although my second time around I never had the chance to bring my other twin home, I was still able to truly see God’s work first hand.
I’m so very sorry for your loss Carissa. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. If you ever need to talk, please reach out.
I was a NICU mom to my second daughter born at 39 weeks via planned c-section. She stayed in the NICU 9 days. My older daughter (3 at the time) had hand, foot, and mouth disease at the same time. The entire experience changed me for life. You never leave the NICU the way you went into it. The strength of the other NICU mamas staying at the Ronald McDonald House with me was truly amazing.
Agreed. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me, Megan.
Thank you for sharing your story! I was a NICU mom briefly, my sons oxygen levels were too low after he was born so we spent 5 days there. I can’t imagine what you and your family went through spending so much time in the NICU with a big piece of your heart there as well. You are a rockstar for bring able to push through and survive, so glad that everyone is doing so well now!
Thank you for this post. You hit the nail on the head completely! I gave birth to identical twin girls 6-22-18 at 25 weeks 6 days each weighing a little over a pound.They are in the nicu now over 85 miles away. I had complications from 4 months on and had ablation surgery then a month later at 21.5 weeks my water completely broke. I managed to keep them in for another month with hospital bed rest. This is so so so much harder than i could ever imagine! I also have a soon to be 4 year old in which i had a great pregnancy with and it’s hard for him and husband too. You totally hit home with this post and I’m glad have realized I’m really not alone.
You are definitely not alone! 85 miles away must be so hard. I’m here if you ever have any questions, need to talk, or need to vent. Hang in there! I hope the rest of your NICU stay is as uneventful as possible.
My girls were born at 27 weeks 4/24/18. One spent 97 days in the NICU and the other passed away at 142 days from heart defects. I have to say, you truly don’t know how strong you are until you don’t have any choice.
I completely agree. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your daughter.
I was a NICU mom and now I’m a NICU nurse! You perfectly captured the roller coaster of emotions we go through. I don’t always tell my patients that I had babies in the NICU- I don’t want to make their experience about me or presume I know how they feel, but my personal experience definitely colors how I handle situations and the care I give my families. It’s the most rewarding and humbling job – I feel very blessed to give back and be a part of the team that does this important work. Thank you for sharing – your words reminded me of every push and pull of that time when my own babies were patients and gave me a renewed sense of strength in why I chose to be this type of nurse.
That is so amazing Kelly! I think your patients are very lucky to have you, especially with that experience.
Thank you so much. My triplets were born a week and a half ago at 27 weeks and 5 days. I miss my boys every second. And this captured so many emotions I feel that I felt like no one else understood. Thank you
You’re so welcome. If you need to talk, have any questions, or need support, please let me know.
What a brilliantly empowering post, I had tears in my eyes not even half way through. I am an NICU mama and my baby is in NICU right now, I had Preeclampsia and she was born at week 28 gestational period. It is difficult managing your time at home and at the NICU with two and a half year old toddler. Everytime the phone rings, my heart starts praying, “not from NICU”. But it’s so relieving to read your experience. Thank you for sharing Shann.
Thank you so much Naghma! If you ever need any support or have any questions, please reach out to me.
My twins was born at 31 weeks , my daughter stoped growing at 26 weeks , I was kept in hospital for 3 weeks before I delivered because I had pre eclampsia and to monitor the twins , my son was still growing well ,but then my daughters heart started dropping so they decided to do a emergency c section on the 02/01/2019 , my daughter weighed 1 lb 6oz and spent 9 weeks in nicu and my son weighed 3lb 4oz and spent 7 weeks in nicu , i also had a older son at home , everything you wrote in the article was how I felt , it was such an emotional rollercoaster , lots of bad and good days , I was lucky to be in such a good hospital up in London , they was amazing with my twins and supported me as well , I could never thank the nicu nurses enough at St Thomas and the Ronald Mac Donald house I stayed at , it gives family’s a place to stay so they can be close to there babies whilst they are in hospital . My babies are doing amazing now and are both at home . Thank you for your empowering post x
Thank you so much Stephanie for sharing your story with me. I’m so happy to hear that both of your babies are doing well now.
beautiful baby yes its hard going back and forth to the NICU especially if you have to juggle collecting other children at school. having a family support is brilliant making you food saves you buying it from the hospital canteen and vending machines.