Writing used to be my therapy.
I only use the past tense because I haven’t written anything for such a long time. I’m not sure if it was the pandemic, writer’s block, burnout, or a combination of all three. Either way, I’ve missed writing, and I’ve definitely missed the therapy.
How It Started
I started this blog when the twins were in the NICU. It actually didn’t start on this site, but as entries in a Caringbridge site. I would write updates on their conditions, as it was easier on me. I could just put everything all in one place and not have to explain.
It was pretty hard for me to express myself at the time because I was just so emotional. Not only was I sad, but I was scared, angry, and confused. I lashed out at people. I also pulled away from them. It was just so hard coping with normal life when life felt anything but normal.
So, I used writing to reach people when I just couldn’t do it in person. I also used it to deal with all of my emotions. It was such a hard time in our lives, and I needed an outlet. I’d never had an experience that was so intense. It was literally life and death decisions and situations on a daily basis.
Writing was definitely my therapy.
How It Went
As time went on and the boys got healthy, writing became a passion.
This blog became a space for me. It was still a spot where I could express myself. I also was able to reach other people that needed help. Until we were in the NICU, I had no idea how many people experienced similar situations.
Helping other parents express themselves and find support became my new mission. It was very fulfilling, and gave this blog meaning. I loved making connections and feeling like I had a small part in someone else’s journey to healing.
I’ve shared countless preemie and NICU stories here, and each story is unique and amazing.
But, of course, life happens.
How It’s Going
The twins turned 10 on May 4th, 2022. Ten years old. I still can’t believe it.
So, even though this blog is not exactly the same age, it is close. Years of updates, stories, and emotions. Years of sharing pain, happiness, and hope.
Our NICU experience finally seems further away, but it will never completely leave either. However, writing about it is no longer my primary focus. There are other things in our lives now. New challenges and new goals.
So, with that, I stopped writing.
Where I Am Now
I guess I got stuck. I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t turn to writing as therapy anymore, even though it was needed.
Even before the Global Pandemic, I started to get stuck. I was questioning myself and my space. Was I offering anything relevant if I wasn’t sharing our NICU experience anymore? Were people truly interested in what I had to say if it wasn’t about premature birth? Were our current experiences valuable to anyone else?
So, I got in my head. I stopped writing because I couldn’t think of anything to say.
I also felt like I had to focus on just getting through the days. Covid times were hard. It was that unknown again. Except this time, everyone was experiencing it at the same time.
I needed, and still need, an outlet desperately, but I just couldn’t do it. Or just wouldn’t do it.
So, What’s Different
I’m not sure. I’m not sure why I started writing today. I’m not even sure what this whole post is about or if anyone will read it.
I still feel a little stuck and unsure, but this feels good.
So, even if this space or my writing isn’t relevant to anyone, it is still something for me. It’s still a space that I can express myself and have my own identity.
If you are here reading this, thank you. I can’t predict what will be here or how often, but that’s OK for now.