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You are here: Home / Micro Preemie Mondays / A look Back – 70 Days in the NICU

A look Back – 70 Days in the NICU

August 20, 2015 By Shann 79 Comments

It’s been a rough week. The twins have been going through a little bit of a rebellious phase, or as my husband says, “They are three.”

I’ve just been feeling like a rotten mommy because when the kids aren’t behaving, who else is there to blame?

Last night, I was having a discussion with some friends about my complicated pregnancy, and was reminded just how far we’ve come. It made me a bit nostalgic, and  I thought I would look back at our CaringBridge site to give myself a reminder. While now seems like a rough time, it is nothing compared to how they started off in life.

This post is not meant as a plea for sympathy, but rather to show you what our lives were like when our boys were in the hospital. I also want to bring parent’s hope that are in that spot right now. There is eventually light at the end of the tunnel.

No matter how terribly the boys misbehave sometimes, they are here. They are healthy, and they are loved.

There is always hope, even when the doctors give you none.

Here is my entry from 2012.

70 days in the NICU.

I think it’s finally getting to me and really taking a toll.  I’m completely and utterly exhausted.  Physically my body needs to sleep for at least a week, and mentally, I don’t even know where to begin.

I’m just feeling a little down today.  I guess it’s because I’m so tired, and also because breastfeeding didn’t go very well yesterday.  My big guy had 3 Brady’s, which means he stopped breathing and heart rate dropped.  My little guy did OK, but he had just had his eye exam, which didn’t go well.  His ROP has gotten worse and he is borderline for surgery.  The eye doctor will make a decision next week Wednesday.

www.shanneva.com

So, the boys are officially 35 weeks today.  Which means, 10 weeks or 70 days in the NICU.  70 days of driving back and forth to the hospital, circling the parking garage for a close spot, making the dreaded walk across the skyway to pick up the phone and ask to be let in to see my boys.  70 days of walking down the hallway that smells of disinfectant and antibacterial lotion, scrubbing my hands to my elbows until they’re cracked and bleeding, then saying a quick prayer before entering their dark room.  70 days of checking on their weights and asking how the boys are doing.  Holding my breath and hoping for good news.  70 days of beeping and alarms and ventilators and tubes and wires and breast pumps.

www.shanneva.com (1)

And no matter how awful I feel or tired or sad, I know my boys have it worse.  I know they are getting the best care possible and the nurses and doctors are amazing, but they are not even supposed to be out of my body yet.  My body couldn’t take care of them and help them to survive and grow, so they had to be taken out way too early.  My placenta couldn’t feed them both, and I couldn’t make the decision to sacrifice one for the other, so the outside world was better for them. They got taken from their warm, safe haven to be put in artificial wombs made of plastic.  They have had to endure poking, prodding, IV’s, blood draws, blood transfusions, surgeries, tubes down their throats, tubes down their noses, X-rays, MRI’s, ultrasounds, eye exams, and countless other procedures.  I know they probably won’t remember this experience (I pray they don’t) but I will forever remember and hope this is the worst they have to experience.

I love them so much and would trade places with them if I could.

Sorry if this post is a little dramatic or depressing, but I guess I just hit a wall today.  Tomorrow I will knock it down and do it all over again, but for tonight I just need to sleep and forget for a few hours.

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Filed Under: Micro Preemie Mondays, NICU, Prematurity, Twins Tagged With: caringbridge, hospital, NICU, premature birth, siugr, TTTS, Twins

Comments

  1. nmiller00 says

    August 20, 2015 at 8:21 am

    I just can’t even imagine. Thank you for sharing your personal stories and struggles.

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 20, 2015 at 12:48 pm

      Thank you for reading. I appreciate it 🙂

      Reply
  2. renee says

    August 20, 2015 at 8:27 am

    Aww I just can’t even imagine. I remember hearing the stories of little C and thinking that must be hard. But to hear your story about having to make a choice to sacrifice one of them or delivering them early is heartbreaking. I would have made the same choice. They are a miracle, and sometimes being a mommy is hard work. It’s OK to have a bad day, sometimes being a stay at home mom can be more difficult than having a job out of the home. I had really bad days in the beginning and still do now. Please don’t beat yourself up, sending you love. Today will get better and tomorrow will be the best

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 20, 2015 at 12:48 pm

      Thank you so much Renee. I’m so happy to have “met” you. You truly understand and know exactly what to say. Thank you!

      Reply
  3. Mattie says

    August 20, 2015 at 9:48 am

    This was so moving to read. It must’ve been so hard for you to see them like that, and to make that decision. I’m so happy that they’re now healthy and happy (although rebellious) three year olds.

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 20, 2015 at 12:47 pm

      Thank you so much Mattie.

      Reply
  4. linzwwhite says

    August 20, 2015 at 10:11 am

    Wow! Thank you for sharing your NICU journey. I too have twins and they were almost born at 28 weeks due to preeclampsia. They are now 11 months old, almost a year, and I too have those moments of feeling like I am a bad mother. But kids test boundaries, it’s how they learn at this young age. Have fun in the ridiculousness of it because trying to reason with a three year old is an expression for a reason.

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 20, 2015 at 12:47 pm

      Ha! Exactly. Thank you for stopping by, and for sharing your story with me too.

      Reply
  5. Crystal @ Dreams, etc. says

    August 20, 2015 at 10:28 am

    I teared up while reading this! My mom was in the hospital earlier this month and that was the longest week I’ve had in a long time. I was exhausted just after that week…I can’t imagine 70 days of visiting your children in the NICU.

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 20, 2015 at 12:46 pm

      Thank you so much.

      Reply
  6. heylittlefighterblog says

    August 20, 2015 at 10:33 am

    Hey Shann! I have done that too, as I tagged you on Facebook, my little guy was in the NICU for 143 days. It was an awful time but it did have its moments of light and positive experiences. When I have gone back to his Caringbridge, I have just bawled. My son is far from “healthy” now but he is ALIVE, HAPPY AND PLAYFUL. What more could I want!? Thanks for sharing your feelings. Visit us! http://www.heylittlefighter.com

    Michelle

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 20, 2015 at 12:46 pm

      Thank you so much Michelle. I will definitely be checking out your blog. Thank you for stopping by and sharing with me.

      Reply
  7. goodenufmommy says

    August 20, 2015 at 10:45 am

    Ah threenangers. They can be so trying at times! Hang in there – four is definitely better! It’s nice to look back at how far you’ve come!

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 20, 2015 at 12:45 pm

      Thank you Tiffany!

      Reply
  8. maggiemaysgifts says

    August 20, 2015 at 11:07 am

    What a story! I’m sure it was interesting to go back and read what you were going through at that time. And you are right….what a great reminder of how far you have come!

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 20, 2015 at 12:45 pm

      Thank you so much!

      Reply
  9. msposh2013 says

    August 20, 2015 at 12:22 pm

    That is an impressive journey. Hang in there 🙂

    Reply
  10. beckyginther says

    August 20, 2015 at 12:51 pm

    Wow. 70 days, I can’t even imagine what that was like. You are an incredible, strong woman and I’m so glad you all made it through!

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 20, 2015 at 12:57 pm

      Thank you!

      Reply
  11. triciathegoodmama says

    August 20, 2015 at 12:58 pm

    Oh, that must have been so tough. I’m sure it helps to look back and see how far your precious boys have come. You’ll have to look back again when they are older at the crazy 3 year old stage.

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 20, 2015 at 8:37 pm

      Exactly. Thanks Tricia!

      Reply
  12. Because... I'm cheap says

    August 20, 2015 at 1:02 pm

    Cannot fathom what you went through. Your boys are beautiful!

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 20, 2015 at 8:37 pm

      Thank you.

      Reply
  13. Melanie S. Pickett says

    August 20, 2015 at 1:06 pm

    My son was a preemie. I have Crohn’s disease and not only did I not gain weight during my pregnancy, I lost 20 pounds. My intestines ruptured at 34 weeks and I have part of them removed while my boy was still in utero. He was born at 35 weeks, tiny and strong. I am so thankful. Everything he accomplishes is even sweeter because of the struggle he started out with. He’s a healthy, muscled teenager now. Even the discipline challenges are a victory because your little loves are here to be stinkers, so embrace every minute. <3

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 20, 2015 at 8:37 pm

      Wow. How scary for you. Thank you for sharing your story and your son’s story.

      Reply
  14. momonthemove35 says

    August 20, 2015 at 1:59 pm

    It’s crazy that it took 70 days for you to say that it was starting to wear on you and take it’s toll! You are a stronger woman than I am! Thanks for sharing this!

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 20, 2015 at 8:36 pm

      Thank you.

      Reply
  15. Mary Gilbert (My Life In Progress) says

    August 20, 2015 at 3:49 pm

    I can’t even imagine how hard this is for you. Keep your chin up and trust in God!

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 20, 2015 at 8:36 pm

      Thank you.

      Reply
  16. Liz Mays says

    August 20, 2015 at 3:53 pm

    Wow, what strength it takes to hold yourself up and be there for the babies too! So glad you’re on the other side now.

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 20, 2015 at 8:35 pm

      Thank you Liz 🙂

      Reply
  17. shelahmoss says

    August 20, 2015 at 4:34 pm

    You always have such touching stories.

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 20, 2015 at 8:35 pm

      Thank you so much Shelah.

      Reply
  18. tara pittman says

    August 20, 2015 at 5:00 pm

    That is a long time for being in the hospital. Glad to hear that they are doing well.

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 20, 2015 at 8:35 pm

      Thank you Tara.

      Reply
  19. Brenda Lee says

    August 20, 2015 at 5:03 pm

    Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. I admire your strength to share the story with us but am thankful. But resharing where you’ve been, makes where you are that much better.

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 20, 2015 at 8:35 pm

      Thank you so much Brenda.

      Reply
  20. Debbie Woodruff says

    August 20, 2015 at 6:19 pm

    Such a tough beginning. I’m sure it was so difficult for you as well as your boys. My niece had about 90 days, several surgeries, and a truly tough beginning too. Now she is a tiny but healthy 30 year old.

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 20, 2015 at 8:34 pm

      Thank you for sharing. So nice to hear of older preemies and their outcomes 🙂

      Reply
  21. Cynthia @craftoflaughter says

    August 20, 2015 at 6:25 pm

    The start of their journey was bumpy but it only makes the rest of it sweeter. even when they are three…

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 20, 2015 at 8:34 pm

      Yes. Thank you 🙂

      Reply
  22. Robin (Masshole Mommy) says

    August 20, 2015 at 7:07 pm

    Your strength and theirs is truly inspiring. Thank you for sharing your story.

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 22, 2015 at 8:16 pm

      Thank you Robin.

      Reply
  23. Claudette Esterine says

    August 20, 2015 at 7:16 pm

    My granddaughter spent approximately 12 days in the NICU and we were all stressed so I just cannot imagine 70! Thank heavens they are well now! 🙂

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 20, 2015 at 8:33 pm

      Thank you Claudette!

      Reply
  24. Beth@FrugalFroggie says

    August 20, 2015 at 8:56 pm

    I hit a mom wall today. Thankfully kids go to bed soon and I can have a glass of wine.

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 20, 2015 at 9:15 pm

      Yes! Enjoy!

      Reply
  25. Amy @ Magic Moments Preschool says

    August 20, 2015 at 9:37 pm

    I have never experienced NICU but always feel so much for those who have. I’m sorry you went through this. I’m glad we can come in at this point and see your thriving beautiful 3 year old’s. Even when they are a pain. 🙂 I have always said it’s really terrible three’s more than terrible two’s. Hang in there.

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 21, 2015 at 12:52 pm

      Ha! Yes, definitely terrible threes. Thank you!

      Reply
  26. Divine Elements of Design says

    August 20, 2015 at 10:17 pm

    Oh my,,, You story will be on my mind all day. Thank you so much for sharing. You are so strong..

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 21, 2015 at 12:52 pm

      Awe. Thank you.

      Reply
  27. Jessica says

    August 20, 2015 at 11:16 pm

    Do not blame a bad day on yourself…we all have them. You guys have come a long way and this was a good reflection of how far y’all have come. The one thing I like to ask myself and sometimes I ask my kids this, “are they (my kids) happy? Do they have a happy childhood?” If you answer, “yes” to this that means you are doing something right. I love hearing these stories…I tell you that all the time.

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 21, 2015 at 12:51 pm

      Thank you so much Jessica. I really appreciate that. 🙂

      Reply
  28. Ourfamilyworld says

    August 21, 2015 at 2:38 am

    Those were 70 grueling days, but all worth it now that the twins are strong and healthy. I hope you’re feeling better now.

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 21, 2015 at 12:50 pm

      Yes, thank you.

      Reply
  29. Elizabeth O. (Esme Sy) says

    August 21, 2015 at 4:24 am

    We all have these moments. You don’t have to feel bad for this, just keep in mind that you’re doing our absolute best as a mom and as a parent. Twins are really a challenge, believe me, I should know. You’ve come so far to feel like this. Cheer up!

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 21, 2015 at 12:50 pm

      Thank you so much Elizabeth!

      Reply
  30. Tiffany says

    August 21, 2015 at 8:46 am

    Wow…this reminds me of the time my nephew was in a coma due to meningitis so I know how you feel. You just want the nightmare to be over. It really does blow your mind when you sit down and reflect about how healthy they are now. So glad they fought through it!

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 21, 2015 at 12:50 pm

      OH my goodness. So happy to hear your nephew is OK. Sounds very scary.

      Reply
  31. Jasmine Espinal says

    August 21, 2015 at 10:39 am

    Rough start for a beautiful baby 🙂 Thankfully its just a memory now.

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 21, 2015 at 12:49 pm

      Yes! Thank you!

      Reply
  32. AlmostSexyMommy says

    August 21, 2015 at 11:00 am

    My girl was in the NICU for 47 days and did not have to have surgery. I don’t know how you didn’t hit a wall every. single. day. So glad everyone is doing well now!

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 21, 2015 at 12:49 pm

      Most of it was very hard. Any NICU stay is hard, so I’m sending you hugs for you and your daughter too. So glad she is healthy now too.

      Reply
  33. Rachée Fagg (@sayitrahshay) says

    August 21, 2015 at 11:18 am

    Hugs to you!
    Thank you for sharing your story.

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 21, 2015 at 12:48 pm

      Thank you so much!

      Reply
  34. thedealmatchmaker says

    August 21, 2015 at 12:30 pm

    my son went to NICU for 2 weeks… it was the hardest part of my life. He is a strong and happy boy now..

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 21, 2015 at 12:47 pm

      I’m happy to hear he is doing better now 🙂

      Reply
  35. Jonathan Key says

    August 21, 2015 at 3:01 pm

    We have friends who had their baby in the NICU for 5 weeks. This is such a tough thing to go through. Our cousins had this happen with all 3 of their babies. Thank you for sharing your story! You have come so far!

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 21, 2015 at 4:02 pm

      Oh no. I can’t imagine going through it three times. I hope all of your cousin’s babies are OK.

      Reply
  36. Jennifer C. says

    August 21, 2015 at 6:02 pm

    I truly cannot even imagine. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 21, 2015 at 10:10 pm

      You’re welcome. Thank you so much for reading.

      Reply
  37. leybainpublic says

    August 21, 2015 at 10:06 pm

    Takes courage to post something like this – personal issues and struggles. Great to know that you are really strong and tough mom.!

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 22, 2015 at 8:15 pm

      Thank you!

      Reply
  38. Christina says

    August 22, 2015 at 7:10 am

    It is no fun when babies are sick. It is like a vice to the heart. I wish you all the best.

    Reply
    • Shann says

      August 22, 2015 at 8:09 am

      Thank you.

      Reply
  39. rocky says

    August 24, 2015 at 11:18 pm

    Thanks for sharing your story! shared!

    Reply
  40. eckids says

    October 26, 2015 at 11:47 am

    You are a brave momma and I really appreciated this post. We spent a bit of time in the hospital too when my guys were born and i remember feeling some of those same feelings and I’m thankful that you shared.

    Reply
    • Shann says

      October 26, 2015 at 11:50 am

      Thank you so much for reading. I really appreciate your comments. How are you babies now?

      Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Writing as Therapy - Shann Eva's Blog says:
    May 16, 2022 at 7:50 am

    […] started this blog when the twins were in the NICU. It actually didn’t start on this site, but as entries in a Caringbridge site. I would write […]

    Reply

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Meet Shann

Shann Hi! I'm a mom, writer, and dancer. I love sharing my parenting experiences, my healthy living tips, my money saving ideas, and our travel plans. My passion to help other women inspired this blog. I hope you'll stay a while and come back often.

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