Yesterday, when the twins woke up from their nap, my little guy felt hot. I took his temperature, and sure enough it was 101.4. I know that’s not a super high fever, but it was enough to make me worry.
He also seemed pretty lethargic, so I gave him a dose of acetaminophen and put him to bed. He went right to sleep. I continued to worry.
I sat up with my bigger guy and my oldest guy, and just kept worrying. So, I kept checking on my little guy, and after about an hour, took his temperature again. Luckily, it went down a couple of degrees.
You may think I’m a little silly to worry so much about a fever, but I think my pregnancy with the twins and their 3 month hospital stay is really at the root of that fear.
When you experience a trauma like that, does the fear ever really go away?
It has definitely gotten easier, but I don’t think those feelings will ever truly leave me. I was told at least 3 different times during my pregnancy to “selectively” reduce. The doctor wanted me to sacrifice one baby’s life to save the other. I could not and would not make that choice. How can you choose to save one baby over the other?
I also was told not to feel secure during my pregnancy. The doctors couldn’t predict what would happen, and said until you are holding them both in your arms, nothing is guaranteed. That’s a really hard thing to hear from a doctor when you are pregnant and your hormones and emotions are already out of control.
Once my babies were born, I did feel a small bit of relief, only to be replaced by fear again. They had made it through delivery, but they were born so early, 25 weeks 5 days, and weighed so little, 1 lb 7 oz and 2 lbs 2 oz, the doctors were not optimistic.
Those first few weeks in the hospital, I remember being petrified every time the phone rang. I was so afraid the doctors would be calling with bad news.
And sometimes they did.
My babies had to endure surgeries and infections, plus they had to learn to breathe on their own, and eat on their own.
But, they made it. We made it.
Still the fear is still there.
Little things like a fever bring it all back.