This post has been heavily weighing on my mind for some time now. Sure, life got in the way of writing it, but it was more than that. The third year, when my son was just two-years-old, was one of the hardest years of my life. However, this post is not about me, it’s about him.
I guess that’s what makes it so hard. I will never really know how he was effected by all the events that happened that year. He wasn’t able to tell me how he was feeling about things, at least not in words.
Before I start talking about him, I’ll give you just a little background if you’re new here. About a month after my son turned 2, I found out I was pregnant. We had been trying for a couple of months with no success, so it was a bit of a surprise that it finally happened. Plus, we had just sold our house, had no place to live, and were about to move in with my parents until we found a place.
Also, my pregnancy (with my identical twins) was complicated, high-risk, and I was very sick during most of it. You can read all about it HERE.
So, my first baby had a lot to deal with…a sick mommy, a new place to live, and the impending arrival of two more babies. Luckily, he had a lot of people to love him and I had a lot of people helping me during a very emotionally rough time.
Let’s get back to my first-born, and see what he was up to during year three.
He was most definitely still all about his pacifier, which he called his “Fa Fa.” We had just finished nursing, but he didn’t like baby food all that much. He has always been my most picky eater.
He was also still a big cuddler, talked a TON, and liked to read books with me. We spent most days together, since I had to leave my part-time job due to my pregnancy complications.
We probably spent way too much time cuddling and watching TV, but I had to stay horizontal most of the time for my pregnancy, plus I was just so sick all the time. I remember he loved Olivia (the show with the pig,) Elmo on Seasame Street, and Peppa Pig too.
He loved that we were staying at my parent’s house because that meant he got Grandma and Grandpa’s attention all the time.
If you’ll remember, he never liked (or slept) in his crib. At my parent’s house, that meant all three of us crammed into one room sharing a bed. My son loved it. He got to snuggle right in between mom and dad every night.
Other favorite things that year, was Christmas spending time with all his cousins, going to a local train show with Daddy, and taking bubble baths in Grandma’s big tub.
As my pregnancy went on, and I had more appointments, he spent more time apart from me and with other family. It was actually the first time we ever spent a night apart. My son and husband would go and visit his parents, and sometime they would stay overnight, just to let me rest. My son also would go to my brother and sister-in-laws house a lot, and play with his cousins during doctor appointments. He did come with a few times to the doctor since I was there at least twice a week, but mostly it was just too hard to have him there because I would get so upset.
I didn’t know at the time (which I’m very glad about,) that he would always be asking about me and when I was coming to get him or when he would get to come home. I didn’t learn about this until after the twins were born. I don’t think anyone wanted to burden me because I was already emotional and feeling like a failure as a mother because I couldn’t even take care of my own son.
I wish I had more things and favorites to share about my son that year, but most of it was a blur. Doctors appointments, Ultrasounds, bed rest, and being sick in the bathroom are the most vivid memories. That, and all the guilt that I felt because I wanted to play and take care of my baby, but physically couldn’t. I still carry around a lot of guilt from that time.
We also found a house and moved out of my parent’s. Well, my husband moved us all by himself mostly. I didn’t even get to move in until after the babies were born because I was on hospital bed rest at the time.
My most vivid memory of my son during that time was when he would come to visit me in the hospital. He would want to crawl up in the bed with me, but it was so hard because I had all these monitors and wires. I also remember my husband teaching him a song from the radio by the group FUN. He’d sing, “…when you feel like falling down, I’ll carry you home, tonight.” It was the cutest thing. It made me cry every time.
As soon as I had the babies, the first thing we did was take a nap together. I think it’s the first time we both slept peacefully in a long, long time.
So, I’ve made it through about 6 months, and I have to stop. I’ve got more to share, and I’ll continue next Friday. I hope you’ll join me, as my son gets to meet his brothers, and has his third birthday party.
That picture of the both of you sleeping is the cutest thing!
Thank you!
Wow, it sounds like you really had a tough time during all of that with so much going on. You are one strong lady. It is wonderful that you had the help you needed and that your son had a lot of help in coping with the various situations.
Thank you so much, Sheila.
Thank you for sharing your family’s story. It is amazing how tuned in our kids are to our own struggles and how much love they can give back to us. I’m glad you had your snuggle-buddy through all of that!
Yes. Thank you so much.
I believe that purely feeling guilty about not being a “good mom” is proof that you are an amazing mom! You and your son made sacrifices for your twins and in the end that may be what bonds them. It’s hard seeing your family suffer and maybe one day he’ll realize that it took a lot of love and care to get his brothers here and he’ll realize that he helped with that. 🙂
Thank you so much. That’s a really great way to look at it. I really appreciate your comments. Thank you.
LOVE that picture of you guy sleeping – SO CUTE! Thanks for sharing your family’s story 🙂
Love reading these stories. They’re so transparent. Thank you for sharing pieces of your life with us, Shann.
I think you’re a great mom and the children, all of them, are blessed to have you. You need to take care of you first, and then your children (like the instructions on an airplane about the oxygen masks). Don’t worry about the little one not having the best year of his life. Every minute he spends with you is valuable and a treasure to both of you.
What a sweet post 🙂 i love this!
He is absolutely adorable! I think that the sacrifices both you and him made were for the better because it helped your family to become what it is today!
You have a beautiful family and although everyone worries about being a “good parent” as long as you gave your children all the love and acceptance they could ever need, then you are more than a good parent, you are the best in their eyes.
Thank you so much for sharing!
I think little boys are just the best. Girls are great too, but my son is a total lovebug, does everything he can to help me. If I’m not feeling well, he’s the first to cuddle with me, let me borrow his beloved Doggie, or bring me wet washcloths for pretty much every ailment. 🙂
I love how you share your stories! This one especially. I started tearing up by the sweetness of your kiddo singing to you!
First things first, let me just say thank you for your honesty with this post. It’s so incredibly refreshing to read though I’m sure it’s also very difficult for you to share. It sounds as though you still carry around a lot of guilt because of that period of time which had to be so hard on you emotionally, physically, etc. I know it must be easy to say b/c I’m not yet a mother and can’t really understand the depths/layers of emotions you are/were dealing with, but as an outsider, you sound like a fantastic, wonderful, and loving mother 🙂 And I doubt very much that your son feels anything but enormous amounts of love for being all those things as well as his snuggle buddy for so very long. That picture made me tear up a little bit. So, so sweet. XOXO and hope you have a great weekend.
Awe. Thank you so much. I really appreciate your comments Charlotte. They made me tear up a little bit too. Thank you for reading 🙂
These pictures are soooo cute! I am a mother of one and look forward to more. There is nothing like the first born…. says the girl who is the first born! ha!
Thank you for sharing
Ha! I am the first born too.
You are a special momma! Even snuggles and tv are precious bonding moments! I love the picture of you two sleeping – gets me emotional!
Thank you. I appreciate that. 🙂
That was a tough year for your son. You did a great job of being his mom.
Thank you so much!
I do not know why but this made me cry. It made me reflect on my last pregnancy and my middle pregnancy. My last pregnancy I dealt with depression and I felt like a horrible mom. I was so deep into depression, I could not see the joy that I was sucking out of my girls lives until after my son was born. I do not want to talk about that. while pregnant with my middle child, I too was on bed rest and sick all the time…I cuddled a lot with my first born and I felt very blessed that she was such an independent, intelligent baby….I could not do much with her and we did not live near family so my husband had to come home in between classes to care for her bc I could not get up. Thanks for sharing Shann!
Awe. I’m sorry it made you cry, Jessica. It’s so hard having a complicated pregnancy with little ones already. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. It sometime helps (I know it helps me) feel like we’re not alone in this mommy thing. Big hugs to you!
<3 Oh boy. You should absolutely not feel guilty – as you said, you were physically unable – not your fault at all! It's clear you love your family so, so much, and all of your boys are lucky to have an amazing mom like you.
Awe. Thank you so much Becky. I really appreciate that 🙂
Awww Some pregnancies can be difficult. The pictures are cute 🙂
Thank you.
What a year! For both you and your son, it sounds like it was hectic to say the least! It’s so clear how much you love your eldest and how much he loves you back! The picture of you two sleeping together is the cutest thing and he sounds like the sweetest little guy! I think you did an awesome job being his mommy, even though your time together and your physical abilities were both limited.
Best Wishes,
Allison
http://www.livelifewellblog.com
Thank you so much!
These posts are going to be so valuable to all of you as time goes on. You think you’ll remember it all but it gets harder to recall. You’ll be glad you wrote it down! 🙂 Thanks for sharing with us, too!
You are so right! Thank you.
Glad to know he was showered with so much love, so that makes the challenges easier for him. He’s such an understanding and loving little boy.
Yes, he really is .Thank you.
Wow! What an amazing picture of you two sleeping and the words of that song had me almost crying with you! Thanks for sharing this bit and look forward to the rest. 🙂
Thank you so much .
Your babies are so lucky to have a mom as loving as you. Your first born may have gone through a lot but at least he had a lot of people behind his back to support and love him.
Thank you do much .
Wow! Thanks for sharing your story, I love reading these types of real posts. Your photos are adorable, hes so adorable.
Thank you .
My mom went through something similar with my little brother I was two and ended up fine with it my sister was 4 and is now 32 and the experience still plays a role in abandonment issues she has.
That’s really tough to hear.
Thank you for sharing your journey with your first born. Your picture with him sleeping is really nice
Thank you.
What a touching story! What a tough year for both of you! There’s a very special connection between an oldest child and his or her mother. This was not your fault and you were there for him as you were able. Love that your kiddo sang to you! When our son who is 3 does that it just makes us feel like we’re witnessing a bit of heaven.
Thank you so much .I really appreciate your comments.
He is growing handsome! I’m so glad that you still have your son old pictures. He is really handsome. I love your picture together with your son.
Thank you .
Aw I love that someone got a picture of him napping with you in the hospital bed. What a sweetheart.
Thank you 🙂
Those eyes! I can’t event!
This was so moving. That must have been such a hard time for you– thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much!
what a struggle you had but it was all worth it seeing your kids . they are so beautif
Thank you!
What a little cutie! Love the picture of the two of you sleeping!
I know what it’s like to be on bed rest during pregnancy while there’s another one to take care of. I felt guilty (and like a terrible mom) too. But you know what? You were (are) an excellent mom. You took care of the twins and when you couldn’t take care of your big guy you surrounded him with people that could. Best mom ever! 🙂
Thank you Trish. That means a lot 🙂
I was living with my parents when my son was born too! I wasn’t on official bed rest the entire time, but the few weeks I was were so boring :/
Agreed. Plus, so uncomfortable!
These photos are precious. I love picturing the three of you having to cuddle in one bed! I’m sure it wasn’t the most fun, but picturing it is cute. 😉
xo, Caitlin
And Possibly Dinosaurs