Love and Loss
While I share many stories of hope each week, there are just as many stories of heartbreak when talking about premature birth. Today’s story of love and loss hit especially close to home for me. There are just so many similarities, yet one huge difference.
I will always realize how lucky we were to take two babies home from the NICU. There were many times when I didn’t believe it would happen.
I think that’s why reading about the loss of a twin hurts so much. I can put myself in that position because I imagined it so many times during both my pregnancy and our NICU stay.
Yes, even though there is loss, there is so much love in today’s journey. I can feel it in each word from today’s mother. Even though there is only one survivor, she will always be a mother of twins. Both girls will always live on through their family’s love.
Please meet Emerson and Finley, as told by their mom, Kim.
1. Tell us about your babies.
My identical twin girls were born at 25 weeks 1 day via emergency c-section. Emerson weighed 1 lb 9 oz and Finley was 1 lb 2 oz.
Finley ended up passing away on the 4th day.
2. How long was your NICU stay? What was the hardest part?
Our stay was 162 days, and Emerson did come home on a low amount of oxygen.
The hardest part overall was losing Finley and not being able to celebrate both of the girls milestones together. But, also not being able to physically be there every day all day to be with Emerson.
I had two babies, but I went home with neither.
Everyday was challenging. We would go one step forward and two steps backward. I was constantly anxious or worried. Just calling to the NICU to check in for an update on Emerson, I would get butterflies.
I would say I was anxious and worried during Emerson’s entire NICU stay, but as she got bigger and stronger, my worrying went down. Then, I was faced with anxiously waiting for her to be able to come home.
Emerson has chronic lung disease, so it took her a long time to be able to lower her oxygen requirements in order to come home. It also took awhile for her to bottle feed.
3.Do you know what caused your premature birth?
I had a miscarriage prior to getting pregnant with my twins.
At my 20 week appointment, it was determined there was a difference in the growth. Finley was measuring slightly smaller, and we were transferred to a fetal specialist. The specialist ruled out TTTS (Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome) but determined it was a SIUGR (Selective Intrauterine Growth Restriction). The girls shared a placenta, but it was not shared evenly, meaning Emerson was getting more nutrients than her sister. This caused one twin (Finley) to have poor growth.
I was then transferred to another fetal specialist when at 22 weeks, it appeared Finley had stopped growing. Meeting with the specialist we were given 3 options. None of them had a good outcome. But, we choose to continue the pregnancy and let Finley decide when it was time to deliver.
At this point, I was also put on bed rest in the hospital due to preeclampsia. At 25 weeks, it was determined Finely wouldn’t make it a few more days. In order to save Emerson’s life, we needed to deliver the girls asap.
We were told Emerson had a 60% chance of living and Finley a 15% chance.
We had a schedule C-section the following day at 10 am. The girls were being monitored, and we were woken up much earlier to be told that Finley’s heart rate was dropping.
She was telling us it was time to deliver. They were delivered at 4:51 and 4:52 am.
4.How are you and your baby doing now?
Emerson has been home from the NICU for 4 months now and had her oxygen requirements removed after 2 months.
She is doing unbelievable well and is on track meeting all her milestones for her adjusted age. She has OT come twice a monthly and a dietitian once a month. I quit my job so I could stay with her as long as I am able to. My husband and I are just amazed with Emerson and cherish every moment we have with her.
I certainly have my battle with depression. Some days better than others. Certain smells or sounds can bring me sadness and take me back to the NICU.
I’m part of several support groups, and I have my own blog that helps me a lot. I definitely feel this journey has made me stronger as a mom and wife.
I never excepted to be a NICU mom but it is a title that I wear with pride.
5. What advice would you give to a new preemie or NICU family?
Advice I would give to a new preemie or NICU family is that you will get through this. It’s not going to be an easy journey. Some days are better than others.
Always have a notebook with you. I documented every day, so that way I always have my notes to look back on. It also came in handy when questions popped in my head that I wanted to ask.
I would also advise to lean on your support system. You will need them now more than ever. It’s not a path you want to take alone.
Last but not least, take care of yourself. Whether that be taking a nap, eating a home cooked meal, or getting your nails done. Make sure to spend time caring for yourself in order to give the best care possible to your little one.
Thank you so much to Kim for sharing her precious girls with us. Please leave any supportive questions or comments below.
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