Motherhood
I’ve been thinking a lot about motherhood lately. I’ve been having a tough time, the boys are in a rough spot, and it’s all been pretty emotional. I thought I hit the hardest part of motherhood many times before, but now I know I was wrong.
When you think you’ve got it all figured out, motherhood surprises you.
The other day, wanting to be a “good” mom and missing my boys. I waited for them to get off the bus. I had to get to work, but I figured those 2 extra minutes wouldn’t hurt my commute. And the hugs and kisses would be worth it.
Well, instead of kisses, there were tears. 2 of the 3 boys were crying. There was a ruined school project, a lost object, and a mean kid during gym class. When I tried to comfort the crying ones, the third got so upset, he started throwing stuff out of his backpack. He wanted my attention too.
Instead of a beautiful moment before work, I was now covered in snot, my own mascara running, and stressed out in traffic.
Maybe I’ll just let their dad greet them when they get home from school next time.
Emotional Roller Coaster
I don’t think there is anything or anyone that can prepare you for motherhood. From the moment you see that little pink line, to when they hand you that slimy, beautiful creature, to their first day of school, it is all an emotional rollercoaster.
I don’t think I’ve ever cried so many tears in my whole life since becoming a mom.
And there are so many different types of tears. There are the tears that come with “what the heck did I just sign up for?” and the tears of disbelief when you see your baby for the first time. There are tears of frustration, tears of exhaustion, tears of loneliness, and tears of so much love your heart feels like it will burst. And sadness. And guilt. And hurt. All mixed in with happiness and awe.
Those little beings that you love so very much know just the right words and actions to hit you right in that spot that makes that feeling start creeping up the back of your throat.
The Hardest Part
Each stage of motherhood seems like the hardest part at the time it’s happening. Well, at least it did to me.
Don’t get me wrong, there are so many wonderful things about motherhood. I love my boys with all my heart. Every day, I look at my boys, and I can’t believe that I actually made them.
Then, I remember I’m responsible for them. For teaching them, for guiding them, and for helping them. To ensure their very survival.
It’s freaking hard. Every day there is something that challenges my entire being and makes me question if I should even be a mother. How am I qualified to take care of these people? Who said I was good enough or adult enough?
There isn’t a guide book that has solutions to every problem that motherhood brings. I didn’t even know certain problems existed until I became a mom.
So, which stage is the hardest? Or hardest for me?
Pregnancy
Some women have wonderful pregnancies. They are all glowing and happy. It’s a magical experience.
I threw up into my heating vent in my car because I couldn’t get the window down fast enough. I had to take my vitamins at night and immediately lay down or they would come back up. I couldn’t even stand the smell of pretty much anything. Plus, my bladder rebelled, I got cavities, heartburn, and my anxiety went into overdrive.
And this was my first pregnancy, which wasn’t high risk or full of complications.
I figured pregnancy must be the hardest part. Once I felt better, taking care of a baby would be a breeze.
Newborn Stage
I honestly don’t remember much of the first year with Mr. B. I was so sleep-deprived that I felt crazy. I seriously thought I was having some kind of breakdown.
I went between breastfeeding to trying to get the baby to sleep back to breastfeeding. Most days I never left the house, so you can forget about real clothes, showering, or even brushing my teeth.
And breastfeeding?! That’s pretty darn hard too.
Why don’t they tell you about cracked, bleeding nipples or clogged milk ducts? Or how hard it is to get the right latch? I didn’t even know what that meant.
But, eventually, we did get the hang of it. Then, my body was no longer my own. But, I loved the bond that we had, and I felt like I knew what I was doing when you were eating.
All the rest of the time, I was scared I was doing everything wrong.
Luckily, there were doting grandparents, doctors who didn’t mind calls from a crazy new mom, and a patient husband who took over when he got home from work.
When you finally slept through the night, and I could get some sleep, it would be easier.
The Toddler Stage
My baby still didn’t sleep. Age 1 and even age 2 weren’t the magical numbers for sleeping through the night.
Plus, you were now mobile. Everything had to be baby-proofed, nailed down, and bolted shut. There were baby gates everywhere. I couldn’t even go to the bathroom without unlocking the toilet.
I felt like I didn’t know how to entertain you, what was OK to feed you, and still couldn’t get you to sleep without me.
Were you hitting your milestones on time? Was I buying you the right learning toys? Did we go to enough library story hours to stimulate you and make you social?
When you could talk and tell me what you wanted, when you knew better than sticking everything in your mouth, and when I wasn’t so exhausted, it would be easier.
The School Stage
How do we pick the right preschool? Will you have friends? What the heck are playdates?
A whole new set of rules, expectations, and experiences.
How can I be separated from my baby for 2 whole hours? How can I leave him if he’s crying? Why isn’t he crying for me?
Fighting naps, refusing foods, and talking back to mommy. Separation anxiety and can’t get away from mommy fast enough.
Kindergarten happens in a flash.
New worries like riding the bus, bullies, and no friends.
My heart hurts when I see your tears, and I don’t know how to make it better. You’ve become your own person, and you don’t need me all the time, which also hurts.
Now I want time to go in reverse and go back to that baby stage. Maybe it wasn’t so hard after all.
The Easy Part
I don’t think there will ever be an easy stage of motherhood. Maybe, that’s the point. Raising another human into a good, loving person should be hard work.
I’m not saying that I don’t love being a mother or love my kids…because I do. But, I think that when you’re in the middle of some really tough parts, it’s easy to get lost and feel alone. To feel like you’re not doing a good job and feel guilty.
That’s not to say there aren’t easy times. There is fun, there is joy, and there is a ton of happiness. There are celebrations, there are milestones that fill you with pride, and there is all that love.
Plus, you do eventually get a little more sleep. And eventually, I hope we’ll get our living room back and free from toys. Maybe, we’ll even be able to get a nice piece of furniture in 10 years.
So, even if I haven’t hit the hardest part of motherhood, that’s OK. I’d do everything again for my kids.
Motherhood is probably a different journey for us all.
I hope whatever stage you’re in, you know that someone else is out there feeling the same way and you’re not alone.
Melanie Christensen says
Ah, the newborn phase…. I’m finally just coming out of it with my first baby! It’s true that your body feels like it’s no longer your own! But it’s so weird to see her grow up and become more and more independent each day.
Lindsay @ The Flynnigans says
I cant speak from experience but I know it’s challenging and trying even in the best of times. Just remember you’re doing a great job, girl. Me? I can barely keep myself going let alone a child. I applaud all parents because it isn’t ever easy, but rewarding in the end? Hell yes.
*hugs* xo
Shann Eva says
Thank you Lindsay XO
Blushy Darling says
OMG this was so hard to read! I’m 22 and I’m not even close to become a mum but after reading this I don’t even now if I’d ever be able to.. Stay strong, I’m sure you are doing an amazing job! 😀
Brittney Kubicki says
It really is a wild rollercoaster! These days here lately have been tough here too! You’re so inspiring for being so open and honest with your journey thus far! You go mama!
shelah moss says
Hang in there! It gets better. You’re an awesome mom and all your efforts will be rewarded. <3
mominsanefit says
I enjoyed reading this post so much! I agree that there will never be an easy stage with motherhood. I have an 8 and 3 year old, and when I think I’ve nailed this whole parenting thing- nope. It’s a constant learning new things experiences. ~Xoxo
Beth Kondrick says
I actually just saw a post on I think Make Mommy Go Something about how there isn’t an epidural for motherhood. But that sometimes we wish there would be! Giving birth most definitely is NOT the hard part. You nailed here here my friend – motherhood is hard. Period. It is worth it, but it is far from easy. So I send you hugs, we will always have those rough patches – but hopefully they’re followed by the good ones, the ones that give you the good tears. I’ve had plenty of both, believe me.
Shann Eva says
Thanks Beth. It’s comforting to know you get it too. Love that about the epidural.
shootingstarsmag says
Aw, I love this. I don’t know how parents do it sometimes. I have nieces and a nephew and a lot of other kids around me but I’m not a mom and that’ll be a whole other experience someday. I think you’re doing great though! Life is hard – parenting is most definitely a tough job, but it’s worth it.
-Lauren
http://www.shootingstarsmag.net
Shann Eva says
Yes! To all of this. Even though he’s only 8, I’ve seen the effects of other kids on him, and it makes me so sad and mad. I don’t even want to think about the teenage years. Ugh.
And my mom still worries, so I know that’s true about never stopping!
Steph says
I feel ya! Just know we are all in the same boat. And remember you are doing your very best during each stage 😘
Magen Daniella Golden says
I know the feeling. Every new stage in motherhood is a new thing to learn. Just when we think we have it all figured out something has to change and we are lost again.
Angela says
This is such a great post! You really capture all of the ups and downs that motherhood brings. Kids are always throwing a new challenge our way and it really can be so draining sometimes!
CourtneyLynne Storms says
Ahhhh motherhood!!! It’s definitely one tough job that’s for sure!!! I wouldn’t trade it for the world though 🙂
Bree Courtney says
It is so hard! Every stage is hard and then we keep adding children (but we’re really done now). I feel like I’m in the hardest stage right now with the boys- ages 3 and 4….whew, so much fighting, arguing and tantrums. Trying not to look too forward to the next stage that I end up missing this one. I know I’ll miss it someday.
Shann Eva says
I completely agree! Thank you Bree!