Bad Mom
Bad mom, terrible mother, worst mama in the world. Just a few titles I feel that could describe me today. This isn’t exactly a new feeling, but lately I’ve been feeling like more of a bad mom than usual. Maybe it’s the weather (it’s been freezing with no sunshine,) maybe it’s my lack of sleep (just not getting good sleep lately,) or maybe it’s just a combination of things. I’m not exactly sure.
However, maybe if I share my reasons with you, I will be more motivated to work on the things I need to work on. Or maybe you have some great suggestions for me!
The Reasons
1. I’m still yelling a lot
I’ve been trying to work on this one for a looooong time, and it just doesn’t seem to be getting better. It seems all three of my boys know exactly which buttons to push, and then keep pushing and pushing until I snap and yell. They also all talk really loudly, so maybe I’m just trying to be heard. Do you ever feel like you talk all day long and no one ever listens?
2. I don’t want to play trains
All my boys want to do is play trains. I’ve tried to play with them, but it always ends up a disaster. I build them tracks, then someone gets mad and destroys it. I build another track, and someone is not sharing a train, and instead throws it at the other person’s head. All three of my boys have bruises above their eyes from flying trains.
I’ve also tried to get them to play with other toys. I have some really cool building blocks and puzzles, but those are interesting for about 5 seconds.
Yesterday, I brought out an art project involving trains. I got these big wooden trains that you can paint yourself on Christmas clearance super cheap. I gave each boy their own, we spread out a drop cloth, and let them paint away. My oldest enjoyed it, but one twin didn’t want to paint at all, and the other just kept getting mad about paint getting on himself. They also did NOT like having to wait for them to dry to play with them again. Not my best idea.
3. I look forward to nap time and bed time
Sure, we all need a break sometimes, but if I didn’t have these times, I’m not sure I could make it through the day.
The constant screaming, pulling on me, climbing on me, running for juice/snacks/milk, fighting with them over changing diapers, breaking up fights between them…it all is exhausting, and I need silence and no one touching me.
4. I let them get away with a lot
If you calm down, I’ll let you watch Thomas. If you take a nap, I’ll give you a treat when you get up.
Those are my two most frequent lines during the day. I know they watch way too much TV, and eat too many easy snack foods/treats, but it’s my only bargaining chip that seems to work.
5. I feel so guilty
I fought so hard for my twins to be born and to be healthy that when I don’t give them enough attention or yell or put them to bed crying, I feel so guilty.
What I’m working on
1. Breathing
My son’s art teacher showed me this awesome technique where you breathe in and out while tracing the outline of your 5 fingers. When I’m at my breaking point, I’m going to try this instead of yelling.
2. Letting go
Of the guilt
3. Not comparing
This is really hard when parenting is all over social media all the time, but I need to focus on what can work for us, not other people.
Please don’t judge
It was pretty hard for me to admit these things and put them out there, but I always want to be honest. I definitely try to not make any judgements on other people’s parenting styles because it is hard stuff. I hope you’ll do the same for me. I would, however, love any suggestions or encouragement.
Do you ever feel like a bad mom? Or is it just me?
Thank you for sharing! Lucky for you, me and every other Mom out there, we all go through the same thing (even if some won’t admit it!). You are a great Mom and your boys are super lucky to have you! xoxo
Thank you so much Autumn 🙂
Great post. I am not the best at playing either. I try and make myself get down on the floor to play with my youngest with a good attitude but it is hard. She demands a lot of me playing with her and I have to say that I hate playing dollhouse and then I feel guilty because this is what is supposed to “be the dream”. Playing dollhouse with my little girl. Maybe it is because I am just not good at imaginary play, I am not creative. I try to get her to play bounce the ball or volleyball with a balloon instead because I would rather do that. 🙂 I yell some and use too much TV too….we all do or if it isn’t TV it is something else because fact is that no one can sit on the floor and play as much as they want us too.
Thanks Carolyn. I’m glad I’m not the only one that gets frustrated at playtime. 🙂
Hang in there Shann! A good parent is not always liked by their children. Kids crave discipline and order and sometimes act out to test these boundaries. Stand firm in your household rules. Some days will be good days and some will be bad days. The joys of parenting!
Thank you Rachel. Great advice.
Preach sister. I feel mom guilt daily. Mostly because I’m trying to work and multitask waaaaay too much when I should be giving my son more attention. It’s such a tough thing – being a great mom but not losing yourself in the process. An ongoing struggle! You’re doing a great job. Don’t forget that!
Thank you! It really is such a tough balance.
I don’t think I could never ever judge someone’s parenting skills. Maybe because I don’t have kids of my own and can’t even begin to imagine the obstacles, but also because it’s totally unfair to do so. That said, you’ve always struck me as a very thoughtful and considerate person and someone who loves the little things in life and with your children–I don’t think anyone would fault you for having moments when you lose it or you feel guilty b/c you’re not following Parenting 101. I mean, who really has it all together anyway, right? I think just admitting this and putting it out there means you are a compassionate and caring mother who wants only the best for her little ones. Which of course, makes you the best kind of momma there is 🙂 XOXO
This is a great post and I think a lot of young mothers will relate to it! I think not comparing is so important, and a wonderful point. – Trish
Stay strong, momma! We all have our moments and the nagging “mom guilt” – I definitely agree that the weather makes it harder to get outside and burn some of that never ending energy.
Yes, it really does. Thank you!
My counselor once told me that if you don’t feel like a bad mom at points, you’re doing it wrong. And that has really helped me when things were tough. And you know what? Playing toys with kids sucks. It sucks, and frankly, that’s the point of having siblings! 😉
Ha ha! Love it. Thanks Sara!
From everything I know about you, I think you must be an amazing mom. Not everyone can be perfect every day. Your boys are so lucky to have you! I don’t think I could do half as well as you.
Awe. Thanks Becky. And I’m sure you could!
Oh, the mom guilt! We all feel it, but we need to fight it! Thanks for taking the step to be honest…just by simply admitting it shows how much you love your kids (and yourself). My advice (keep in mind I am a new mom with a one year old so not as much experience) is to give yourself grace, breathe deeply, and savor the time they are sleeping. Don’t feel bad about looking forward to naptime! Moms need downtime too. I hope you are encouraged and that you have a good rest of the day with your boys!
Thank you Lori! I really appreciate your advice and support.
I have been really trying not to yell, but it is SO HARD since that is the only time my kids will listen to me! Dont feel bad, we all go through these feelings at one time or another!
It IS hard. Thank you.
Mom guilt is tough. Think about it this way, if you were really a bad mom you wouldn’t feel guilty. It’s time for a break!
Very true. Thanks Shelah!
Hi Shann,
You’re not a bad Mom…and I know of many other Mom’s who have felt the same way you do now.
Unfortunately, with as many books, articles, etc out there on the subject…each and every experience will be perfectly tailored to what you and your kids need to learn from one another.
The fact that you’re conscious enough to want to do right by your kids says a lot.
I can’t offer any specific tips since I’m not a Mom. All I can do is offer support and say that given everything you’ve written about here and in other posts, you’re obviously giving this your all.
Good luck (but I think you’ll be fine) 🙂
Thank you Dana. I appreciate that.
You are NOT the only one that feels like this. I swear that we live in the same house 🙂 My 3 year old is at such a fun stage in her life but her brother (now 7 months) still needs most of my attention and I just feel bad. I know she acts up because she isn’t getting the attention she needs/deserves and that leads to me yelling (like you) and then she calls me bad mommy (and then I want to cry). And instead of trains, she just wants to play restaurant or kitchen all of the time and I am SICK of it!! Uhg…it is just a phase, momma, and they will grow out of it and we won’t be the bad moms anymore. Like you, I LOVE my sleep, but those days that they both take a nap at the same time I feel like something is missing…good luck to you!
Thank you so much Christine. It’s good to know I’m not alone.
Shann I think you are a wonderful mom by just reading your blog posts. I know every mom has their days with their children where they feel the same way you do. I say find what works best for you and the boys and go from there. Everyone tells me that parenting is all about trial and error. Good luck with working on your goals to make the situation better. You can do!!!
Thank you Mistle. You’re so sweet. I really appreciate it.
All of your reasons are my reasons too. You are not the only one. Balancing is to hard some times. We also need our breaks too. Keep on keeping on mama! We can do this!
Thank you! I appreciate the support.
You are not a bad mom. Just a mom. Its not an easy job. I think these are all things many of us feel guilty for. I am a yeller. I have a book called the orange rhino. Its a how to stop yelling at your kids book. Lots of good tips in there. Sometimes when I am really frustrated I will go though their baby pictures and that is a good reminder for me to chill. Maybe try to find something you can all enjoy together. I take my kids to the zoo. We all love the animals and everyone is to tired to argue afterwards. Now days my boys hardly ever ask me to play and it hurts my feelings sometimes. I apparently don’t know what I want. LOL Hang in there, just by sharing this, you are taking a step in the right direction! HUGS!
Thanks Kim! I’m going to look for the book too. 🙂
I think all moms have been there. You aren’t a bad mom. You are a mom that really cares. I’ve been trying to work on my patience and my yelling as well. It’s hard when I’m home with them all day and I try to keep them occupied.
Yes! The days get really, really long sometimes.
You’re not a bad mom. You’re a mom. I imagine a great one, too! We all have those days, weeks, whatever where we don’t feel good about any move we make. But I would bet, it’s all in your head and those sweet boys love their mama! If I compared my parenting to what people post online, I’d be bumming all the time-but remember, people only post their highlights!! Unless you’re an honest blogger like us!! Ha!
So true. Thank you for the reminder 🙂
Hi Shann 🙂
I feel ya girl!! Just know as mom to mom, you are NOT alone we ALL feel the same way and it’s ok to feel that way, believe me, when my kids were little, (they are now 20 and 25 and it does get EASIER) had the same things happen for me and all I did was (like you are doing) work on myself to make it easier for me to deal 🙂 I agree that trying to “compare” yourself to all other moms on social media is not a good idea and as you say, you have to do what is best for you and your family…period 🙂
Just remember this, God does not give us more than we can handle , I know 🙂
Hang in there, you are doing AWESOME!
BIG HUGS
xoxoxo
Joan
Thank you so much Joan. And it’s good to know it does get easier…some day 🙂
I work with so many Moms who feel like they aren’t doing enough. I always ask what is enough? The fact that you can state these things makes you an aware and good mom!
Thank you Sheryl.
Love this. Thank you. I feel the same way! I yell, too. Sometimes it’s all that helps me in that moment. And right after I feel so super guilty. And like such a bad mom. I feel like a bad mother when I don’t have enough time for my daughter. And I let her get away with so much. I know that it’s not the right thing to do, but sometimes it’s just easier that way.
No judging ever – I love your honesty – thank you for this!
Hugs xxx
Thank you so much Chrissy.
I think feeling guilty and feeling like a bad mom is just part of being a mom. Your kids are alive, healthy, and clearly well-taken care of. You obviously love them. You’re not as bad of a mom as you think – working toward being better is something everyone is doing and the most important thing is: you are aware of where you struggle and you are working to make it better. That’s what matters. I appreciate your honesty in sharing this post. I’m sure I’ll relate someday, but I don’t have kids yet so I can’t exactly say that that day is today – lol! 🙂 You’ve got this!!
Thank you! I appreciate that.
So glad you shared. I’ve been feeling the same lately and I feel horrible for looking forward to nap time and the constant yelling. I woody that someday they are going to hate mommy because all she ever does is yell and I cringe when they wake up asking for daddy because all mommy ever dies is yell. I don’t have solutions yet but I empathize with you.
Thanks Megan. It’s the worst when you feel like the mean parent instead of the fun one.
You’re not a bad mom! I always look forward to nap time, but that’s pretty normal to want a breather.
Thank you!
My dear I know you are a fantastic mom. Being a mom is hard and with it comes this bag of emotions. Do they best you can. Your kids know you love them and at the end of the day, that is all that matters!
Thank you so much Nichole 🙂
You’d be a bad mom if you did NOT feel all these things. These just peg you as umm, sorry to say, NORMAL!
Ha ha! Thank you Cynthia!
Saying no to playing is a biggie for me. I feel SO guilty when I say no, yet at the same time, it isn’t possible to play with my little guy ALL the time. But that guilt hangs on me. I feel you on all of these issues for sure!!
Yes! Thank you!
Thank you for sharing this. This is why I love Mom Blogs. Why? Because I have felt the exact same way and you show me I’m not alone.
Breathing is major…sometimes I know my knee jerk reaction would be to yell….deep breath usually stops it…usually. 😉
Thank you….and also why I love Mom Blogs. Seriously, it helps so much.
Every word is relatable. I’m tired and the fighting gets to me. I don’t want to play all the time. I look forward to bedtime. I “motivate” them to do good things with chocolate or something they really want. You did fight so hard to get your twins. I dreamt of my kids my whole life. But that doesn’t mean sibling rivalry, whining, or sleep deprivation is easy. Great post Shann. And again, I so relate!!!
Thank you so much Alana. 🙂
I feel ya, lady. I think every day I find something to feel guilty about. Sometimes I just feel guilty because I don’t think other people would approve – like putting my baby to bed crying. And I totally look forward to nap time too. We have to enjoy ourselves some mom time to recuperate too! So no worries, momma. You are doing your best! I hope you get to take care of you too.
Thank you so much Jenn.
This post is perfect. It’s not just you, I’m right there with you. Definitely needed this read, and thank you for your candor Shann!
Thank you so much Bethany.
I think every mom has these feelings! But you’re doing a great job!
Thank you Claire!
You do what you gotta do. Whatever it takes has been my motto since becoming a mom
Agreed. Thank you!
Shann, you are so NOT a bad mom. You have three active little people that you have to nurture and look after, along with taking care of yourself! It’s not easy being a mom – I wish there was an instruction manual. You are doing GREAT, and I do recommend breathing through things. Sometimes when the boys hit a nerve, I have to step back and take deep breaths and then handle the situation. 🙂
Ha ha…I wish there was an instruction manual too. Thank you Dana!
I admire your openness and honesty. Most moms just share the bright side of things without sharing the other side. I still think you’re a great mom and your boys are too little to understand most things. I have one daughter and feel like this sometimes. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not the only one.
You’re welcome, and thank you for reading…and making me not feel alone either 🙂
Thanks for such an honest post. Us moms are too tough on ourselves. We won’t ever be perfect… Can I tell you a secret? Your boys adore, love, and cherish you. Not because you read to them, play toys with them, or for any other reason!!! Simply because you are their mother!!! They would never want you to be different or for you not to be their mother. Sure we all need to work on not yelling at our children but that doesn’t make you or I a bad mother. Think of it this way… Would you ever want another son or do you think your sons are bad just because they fought with each other? Of course not !!! You are one amazing mother….
Awe. Thank you so much!
Hey Shann,
Girlfriend, been there and done that. You shouldn’t feel guilty, that’s just part of being a mom. I think we strive to be perfect and we’re harder on ourselves than anyone else.
I remember when my kids were little, I had so much guilt because I was always working. My kids were latch key and they didn’t participate much in school because I had no way of picking them up after school and I was too proud to ask for help. My counselor (yeah, it went there, lol) helped me realize I was a good mom by pointing things out like they’re healthy, not getting in trouble, etc. and that I would probably never be a perfect mom and that was ok.
From the things you share on your post like planning awesome birthday parties, you are doing a great job lady!
Cori
Thanks so much Cori. I appreciate that 🙂
Im not a mom yet but I can tell from reading your blog you are a wonderful mom!
Ughhh I feel guilty about a lot of these things too!!! Especially last month. I was so over worked so naps and bedtime here like the highlight of my day. Which is horrible, but it was the only chance I had to finally breath.
I love your honesty…and I am right there with you. It’s ok..we do our best and sometimes it’s just plain hard. It feels like there must be some magic parenting trick I need to pull out of a hat that will get my kids to listen without yelling. I like the idea of breathing and tracing your hand..I’ll have to try that. I’m so glad you shared this at #100HappyDays!
Thank you so much!
Shann,
I ADMIRE your brutal honesty, and I can admit that I feel EVERY SINGLE one of these at least once on a daily basis. And I’m a working mother… so I’m really only home for a few hours at night. Kids are hard. You have more than one. It’s OK to feel that way. You’re human and you deserve to have human feelings. (It’s also OK to let the kids know that you’re not in the best shape to “play” right now because xyz, and if I can have 30 minutes to myself I’ll be much more fun.) I need to get better with all of this myself. You are doing just fine. <3
Oh Lord, you are not a bad mom. You know I feel like one too every damn day! But in moments of peace with myself i realize I am a person too! My own person! I am not an extension of everyone else, but the other way around. I am what I put out there..and if that means a whole week of shitty mom, well.. It’s ok! I will still be the mom they need. I will still be the mom who cares for them even if not with 100% if me, but enough that they are kept safe, protected, fed, taken care of. All that matters is how I love them. That is always at 100% even if some of my actions fall short. Again, were human and were allowed to feel low and at the ends of our wits. It happens. Don’t be so hard on yourself..on any other given day, you’re better and you’re awesome. Today, even for a few days, or a week or 2..or a month it may feel hopeless with being a downer, but it always goes back up. You’re awesome, no matter What!
Maria | https://imommy.co
I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one! 🙂
This feels so good to see that I am not only the mother who feel like a bad mom, there’s plenty of mom, but I guess we are doing right job by teaching our kids discipline, ethics on how to behave with elders. Thanks for the article XXD Jasicca alber | https://wemomslife.com