Safe at Home with Lots of Feelings

I will always be grateful to be safe at home with my family.

That doesn’t mean, however, that it’s not hard. It also doesn’t mean that there aren’t new challenges everyday, or that I wish things could go back to the way they were before this virus happened. Being safe at home is a blessing, but it has left me with many different emotions.

I’m safe at home, but I’m scared

• Of everything. Of the unknown. The fear creeps in from all sides.
• Will all of my family and friends come out on the other side?
• Even if we do, will we all be the same? Will anything ever be the same again?
• What if my husband gets sick at work? Will we all get sick? Will we end up at the hospital? Alone?
• Will he lose his job? Will I lose mine? How will we pay our bills or even buy groceries?
• How do I keep my kids healthy from everything else to avoid all doctor’s offices?
• Am I doing enough to protect their mental health?
• I’m so afraid it will damage us all, but especially the kids. I don’t want them to be scared of everything like I am.
• For hitting publish on this post and sharing my feelings.

I’m safe at home, but I’m tired

• Physically. Sleep is so far away at night, yet I’m exhausted during the day.
• Emotionally. My mind is constantly racing and wearing me out at the same time.
• I’m tired of worrying and planning for worst case scenarios
• Tired of thinking of meals, home school, and breaking up fights between my boys.
• So tired of “virtual” everything. My eyes hurt from staring at screens, not to mention my neck and back.
• The words Coronavirus, quarantine, ‘Rona, COVID, novel. If I never have to hear them again, it will be too soon.
• Of people telling me to find a new hobby, learn a language, or bake a cake. I’m having enough trouble just getting through the day without all this added pressure.

I’m safe at home, but I’m stuck

• Writer’s block is my constant companion.
• I don’t want to workout or even move off the couch most days.
• My creative reserves have all but dried up.

I’m safe at home, but I’m angry

• Why can’t everyone just stay home so we can move on?
• Why can some people bend the rules and not even consider the consequences?
• When is the end date?
• I hate the word indefinitely.
• I hate that my kids can’t play with their friends, go to birthday parties or even school.
• At those tears break my heart and also make me want to scream that it’s just not fair.
• With myself. For having no patience, for not being a better mom, wife, teacher, sister, and person. For lacking motivation. For not coping or quarantining the right way. For those even making those comparisons.

I’m safe at home, but I miss…

• My parents. My mom is my best friend, and I miss our shopping dates.
• My boys’ grandparents. Watching the relationship between our parents and our kids brings me so much comfort and joy. I miss seeing those hugs, story times on laps, and trips to the zoo.
• Hugs.
• Friends. Lunch dates, book club conversations, and twin mom confessions.
• Places. The gym, Target, and the movie theater.
• Alone time. Before this started, I was alone about 70% of my day. I’m good on my own. I crave the quiet and trashy daytime TV.
• Life before.

I want to repeat that I am thankful we are safe at home. I am thankful to everyone who is fighting and protecting us on the front lines.

Staying safe at home may seem like the easiest job to do. When you think about what others go through, or are going through, how can you not feel lucky and grateful? The truth is that you can feel anything but, and that’s OK.

It is a traumatic, unprecedented situation. Even though it may feel like it, there is no right or wrong way to live through this. We are all navigating something new, and our responses are all our own.

The above are mine, and yours may look very different. We all are doing the best we can, and that’s all we can do.